Aussie-Humor!

    Ozzie humor....... enjoy!



    These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website. A Melbourne University Tourism Studies Major working in the summer holidays answered....

    Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

    A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

    ---

    Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

    A: Depends how much you've been drinking

    ---

    Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

    A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

    ---

    Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

    A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

    ---

    Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)

    A: Let's not touch this one.

    ---

    Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

    A: What, did your last slave die of?

    ---

    Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)

    A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-
    tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

    ---

    Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

    A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

    ---

    Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

    A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

    ---

    Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

    A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man- y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

    BBQ RULES

    We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is

    important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime

    outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man

    will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When

    a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put

    into

    motion:

    Routine

    (1) The woman buys the food.

    (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes

    dessert.

    (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along

    with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man

    who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

    Here comes the important part:

    (4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

    More routine

    (5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

    (6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He

    thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with

    the situation.

    Important again:

    (7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

    More routine

    (8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,

    sauces, and brings them to the table.

    (9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And

    most important of all:

    (10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

    (11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon

    seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing

    some women.


    Ohne Worte :rolleyes:

    LG
    Ela

    :D Google und http://www.lmgtfy.com/?q=border.gov.au beantworten 85% aller Fragen und die restlichen 15% - und als Motivationshilfe - das beste Forum der Welt :D

    [COLOR=blue]When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world try to figure out how you did it.[/COLOR]

    Hallo Ela,

    jaja das BBQ! =)
    Wehe man greift als Frau zur Grillzange, dann heisst es immer, dass kannst du nicht, aber alles andere, besonders "die niedrigen Dinge" dürfen dann wir Frauen erledigen.
    Wir sind halt immer noch Sammler und Jäger, und die Jäger jagen zwar, aber die Haut abziehen, ausnehmen und was sonst noch alles dazugehört, durften auch in der Steinzeit die Frauen.

    Hat sich in all den Jahrhunderten nichts geändert :D

    Gruß
    Lilly

    Noch ein Witz, den wir erzählt bekamen und typisch Aussie Humor ist.
    Two men went in a bar, one banged his head ?( :D

    Will he Jump !

    Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
    He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
    The 10:00 PM news was coming on.
    The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large
    building preparing to jump

    The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
    Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
    The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
    Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge
    did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
    The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,
    saying,
    'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
    Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM
    news and so I knew he would jump.'
    The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he´d do it again´
    Bob took the money.

    Dieser schöne Witz kam von meiner australischen Brieffreundin.Zur Info : Wir sind beide blond :D

    Wer gesehen hat, was ich in Tasmanien gesehen habe, der wird sich als Frau nicht mehr darüber ärgern, dass der große, starke Mann beim BBQ alles alleine machen will. In einem kleinen Dorf in Tasmanien - der Geier weiß, ob es noch existiert - stand nämlich ein Public BBQ unmittelbar neben einem sehr großen Gastank. Da bekommt die Bezeichung "Public" BBQ doch eine ganz neue Bedeutung :D

    Einfach klasse Sabine, ich lieg grad in der Ecke :D :D :D =) =) =) =)

    PS: bin ursprünglich auch blond :D

    "They say an elephant never forgets. What they don't tell you is that you never forget an elephant" <3
    ~Bill Murray~

    Einmal editiert, zuletzt von Muli (18. September 2007 um 00:11)

    Der war ja mal wieder klasse [Blockierte Grafik: http://www.cosgan.de/images/midi/frech/k025.gif]

    Ich brauch erstmal ein [Blockierte Grafik: http://www.cosgan.de/images/smilie/frech/m035.gif] und eine seeeehr gute Erklaerung warum ich hier gerade heulend am Schreibtisch sitze. Meine Kollegen denken sich wahrscheinlich gerade [Blockierte Grafik: http://www.cosgan.de/images/smilie/frech/e040.gif]


    LG
    Ela

    :D Google und http://www.lmgtfy.com/?q=border.gov.au beantworten 85% aller Fragen und die restlichen 15% - und als Motivationshilfe - das beste Forum der Welt :D

    [COLOR=blue]When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world try to figure out how you did it.[/COLOR]

    Zitat

    Original von andeos
    Klasse! Wurden die Fragen wirklich so gestellt? Manchmal glaubt man einfach nicht, was die Leute so fragen...

    Und die Leute meinen das auch noch ernst. :rolleyes: Aber seit dem Gebäudereiniger in England, der zwei Wochen brauchte, um einen Aufzug zu reinigen, überrascht mich ja gar nichts mehr. Grund für die langwierige Arbeit war sein Eifer: Er hat den Aufzug auf jeder Etage geputzt! =) =) =)

    A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race & buys a property way out west. No electricity, no phones - no company.
    He has read everything he can &, after a few weeks is getting a bit bored. One afternoon he seens the dust coming up way in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old bushie gets out of a battered holden ute and puts out his hand.
    "Hello mate, I'm your closest neighbour, live about 20 miles up the road, thought we'd chuck ya a bash to welcome you to the area"
    "Sounds great" says the ad-man.
    "I hear you city boys like your drugs and drink so we'll get that in for ya."
    "Sounds awesome" says the ad-man
    "we tend to get a bit punchie and horny 'round here after all those drugs & drink though, can ya handle yerself if a blue kicks off or a bit of sex is on the cards?"
    "I go alright" say the ad-man
    "this all sounds great, what time should I come and what should I wear?"
    "Doesn't really mattter" says the bushie "it is only going to be you and me".......

    A pom, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:
    C.O. - How long do you intend to stay?
    POM - 1 week.
    C.O. - What is the nature of this trip?
    POM - Business.
    C.O. - Do you have any past criminal convictions?
    POM - I didn't think we still needed to!

    Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

    God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

    "It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

    "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

    God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

    "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

    "Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

    North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

    "Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

    "Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

    God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

    Hab auch noch was gefunden 8)

    Ein Reporter will eine Story über menschliche Schicksale schreiben. Er begibt sich nach Australien ins hinterste Outback in die letzten menschlichen Reservate in wilder Natur und befragt einen dort ansässigen Farmer: "Was war ihr schönstes Erlebnis?"

    "Nun, das war als sich das Schaf eines Nachbarn verlaufen hatte. Wir bildeten einen Suchtrupp und fanden es. Dann haben wir es alle gevögelt."

    Der Reporter schaut etwas indigniert und denkt sich: Das kann ich nicht drucken. Also fragt er noch mal: "Und was war dann ihr zweitschönstes Erlebnis hier draußen?"

    "Das war, als sich die hübsche Tochter eines anderen Nachbarn verlaufen hatte. Wir bildeten einen Suchtrupp und fanden sie schließlich. Dann haben wir sie alle gevögelt."

    So kommen wir nicht weiter denkt sich der Reporter und fragt also: "Und was war dann ihr schlimmstes Erlebnis hier draußen?"

    Antwortet der Farmer: "Das war, als ich mich verlaufen hatte."


    Unsere Regeln


    Ich bin für das verantwortlich was ich sage - nicht für das was Du verstehst.

    Gemäß dem "Xenophobian´s Guide to Kiwis" spricht dies den Neuseeländern Wort für Wort aus der Seele. 8) Gemäß meinem Bruder vermutlich auch. :]

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